Autumn Leaves
by LosTEssencE
Summary: Losing someone is inevitable, and some things are just not meant to be... Sorry, I'm not good at summaries.


Warning: This fanfiction contains yaoi (boy x boy relationship). Read at your own risk. Oh and pardon me for some gramatical and spelling errors.

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. Their rightful owner is Inoue Takehiko.

* * *

I slowly stirred from a very deep slumber. My neck was slightly sore from the uncomfortable position I had while I slept, my arms a bit numb as well. The intense coldness of the room started to creep on my spine, making me realize that I had forgotten to put my jacket on earlier. My red polo shirt wasn't enough to give me warmth along with the dark blue denim pants I wore. The air conditioner must have been set to its highest temperature as it made me shiver involuntarily. The coldness seemed to pierce through my bones like tiny needles by the second.

I hastily looked down as I felt my foot stepped on something soft; it was my black colored jacket. I must have carelessly dropped it on the floor when I arrived and I wasn't able to remember it as I dozed off shortly while watching my silent companion rest. I reached for it then brushed away the dust I assumed it had before proceeding to wear it. A small warm smile graced my lips as I remembered that it was his first birthday gift for me when he realized that I have a strong fixation with jackets. He had a hard time deciding whether to give it to me though, but I then figured that he wasn't still used to be acting so thoughtful at that time since we'd only been together for a month.

I silently looked around, scrutinizing the room that I had become so familiar with in just a few weeks. The dim light coming from the two bedside lamps assisted me; showing the loneliness of this place that were concealed in vain, and the deliberate increasing of almost lifeless atmosphere it subtly emits.

I then turned my head to look at the pale figure before me. His relaxed and even breathing made him look so peacefully sleeping. It was just like the way he used to do back then; although, he would soon turn into a war freak monster ready to beat anybody who dares to disturb his sleep. His normally cold blue eyes would faintly reflect how upset he was from being awakened, and soon, his fist would certainly fly in the air only to land on a poor face. Well, that is if the perpetrator is a senseless man; but if not, he would simply ignore it and act like nothing happened.

More memories we shared together filled my mind the longer I look at his serene face, and an indescribable contentment within me soon followed like a never ending stream, enveloping me with its warmth completely.

My smile widened as I remembered how he acted so silly sometimes. He didn't want to admit it but he could really be a pain in the ass when his egotistic self kicks in. And though he's got that kind of personality, he could willingly sacrifice everything he has; entirely devoting himself to the one he loves. And I felt so glad that he shared with me that special secret his cold mask carefully hid for a long time.

As time passed, his power over me had grown into something greater than I could ever imagine before I even realized it. His hold over my entire being was like a blanket that gave me warmth in the cold winter night; fire that enveloped my body as it burned me signifying his intense love in spite of the terrible and painful consequences we faced everyday; and the air I breathe that gave me life in the midst of suffocating… how do they call about that again? Ah yeah, scruples… or the moral sense.

Well of course, a lot of people don't understand what we really feel or what we really are; and so they throw us insults or even discriminate us like we don't belong to anything, like we don't have any rights to anything at all. It's like we simply popped out of nowhere and since our personalities or preferences don't go with the supposed "common society", we are thought of as immoral. Being called like that is extremely depressing, but I don't think of that anymore as I figured that morality does not really concern our relationship. And at least, we have each other to love; and we have our families and friends that could understand us.

The smile I wore soon turned into a gloomy one as his current state keenly submerged itself in my consciousness again. All this time, I forced myself to be contented with the mere fact that he's still with us; however, it was combined with intense desolation as I watched his limp body gradually showing all his pain; all his suffering that seemed to eat him alive as time goes by. There were no signs of his former lively spirit when on court, the intense desire he evinced to win every game he plays, as well as his ever graceful movements that captured so many hearts including mine; all were simply gone in just a matter of a very short period, all were banished forever to the swirling darkness of oblivion.

I shook my head to clear those unpleasant thoughts that had been plaguing me repeatedly since we learned about his condition. I couldn't help thinking that way as things were simply out of my hands and the mere fact that I knew I couldn't save him.

I tried to shift my focus to his silent and angelic face as it somehow makes me unlax. His soft and silky jet black hair had been shaved off his head sometime ago before his treatments make him lose his hair. I still missed the feeling of those locks between my fingers occasionally; though, I was getting used to it gradually.

I then reached to touch his smooth pale face, feeling his warmth against my cold hand. The yellow glow by the lamp illuminated his features producing a temporary soothing sensation within me. Temporary, I dared to say, since I knew that sooner or later, my whole being will finally drown in the sadness and pain that was on its own slow glorious way to blossom in my heart; and finally, sooner or later, my heart will drift into complete hopelessness and despair as it was, maybe, destined to be.

As I looked at him longer, I saw again his hypnotizing features that fascinated me the first time I laid my eyes on him. His long and thick eyelashes outlining his well shaped blue eyes carried its own splendor that would still remain even in the heart of an impending demise; his well-defined nose seemed to stand out on its own simplicity; his pale but soft lips still held its sweetness that appeared longing to be kissed; and his smooth pale face that cradled his features still had its gentle exquisiteness which seemed incarcerating another world beyond imagination. Yes, he was still so surreally beautiful in my eyes; so beautifully sophisticated even in his long journey of intense agony.

I carefully leaned to kiss him softly on the lips then walked across the room toward the window. The trees outside rustled gently as the winds blew on them. The stillness of the night was slowly fading in the darkness. I guessed at that very instant that the skies were going to mourn as if it carried a heavy burden on its back. I could certainly hear the thundering noises and see the lightning flickering above; thus, temporarily painting the night sky with its beatific madness.

I silently prayed again for what seemed a countless times that day to whoever was up there to make my beloved recover from his illness. Oh, I was absolutely willing to give everything I could just to make him stay with me even for a little longer, but it seemed that my prayers never reached its destination. It seemed that there was no point in doing all I could as everything had long been decided even before we met each other.

Well, I have always known that I was a fool when it comes to love, but I have become more than a fool for thinking that we were destined to be together; that we could endure anything that might separate us, that we could do anything as long as our love binds us to together.

And one day, I thought my beliefs were betrayed by fate itself. A tragedy silently crept on my back and struck me completely; my heart bled as if it was a waterfall, my mind swirled with so many terrible emotions I could not almost bear, my being was gradually and so painfully being sucked into the shattering darkness of reality before me.

I had asked the doctors over and over again hoping that at least one of them would contradict what the others had said but they all told me the same thing… my beloved, Rukawa Kaede, wouldn't last long enough to see the autumn skies. They said that if only his illness was diagnosed immediately, there would be a strong possibility that everything won't come to this point.

Oh god, it was so heartbreaking, and I thought I immediately lost my faith to everything.

After only a few months he was diagnosed, we, with his family and our friends of course, learned that the cancer had spread on other parts of his body even with the constant treatment he was being given. Everything happened so fast that I didn't know how I was able to absorb it all.

I felt the feathery touch of tears streaming down my face that carried an essence of the seemingly never ending hopelessness reigning in my heart. I had wished so many times that I have the power to change things, to change what was happening; it was, however, indeed hopeless to think that way. I knew all I could do was cherish every single moment I still have with him and nothing more.

I was totally engrossed with my reverie when it was suddenly cut short as I heard his soft voice calling me. His voice that was always filled with love, so soothing to my ears like a harp playing under the surreal glow of the moon in a clear night sky. I then turned around to look at the face of my beloved. His blue eyes gleamed against the faint light showing the captivating splendor it held with its own art.

"Akira, come here… hold me," he said raising his hands a little as he looked at me. I had a slight feeling that he's been observing me for quite sometime. It suddenly made me wonder on what could've been running through his head.

I immediately wiped my tears away as I walked toward his bed. Then as our gazes locked with each other, his eyes gleamed the way it does before when he looks at me, and it still had the power to entrance me effortlessly—although, my heart suddenly felt so heavy with every step I took as I near him.

I kissed his forehead and settled myself beside him. His eyes showed tenderness and love that immediately made my worries vanished into thin air. "Will you please switch on the lights, Akira?" He whispered as he smiled at me warmly.

"Why? You don't like lights when you're sleeping, right? You won't be able to go back to sleep," I told him frowning but stood up from his bed anyway and went to follow his request.

"It gets gloomy here when it's dim, don't you think?" His warm smile never faded from his face. Oh yeah, he must've really seen how sad I was earlier.

"Uh yeah, I guess…" I smiled back as I walked to his bed again. But before I settled my self beside him, I reached for the bedside drawer first and took out a face mask I kept there then hastily wore it to cover my nose and my mouth.

"Take it off, Akira. I want to see your face," he said softly as I slipped my arms under his head. I looked at him skeptically, and I found my self beginning to wonder again on what was running through his head.

"Please, Akira…" He pleaded in a way he knew I wouldn't be able to resist. Oh, what kind of spell did he cast over me that could make me do anything he wanted? He was so innocently seductive; really.

I took off the mask, and as soon as it was off my face, he reached to kiss me chastely on the lips. Even in his own little ways, he never failed to soothe me in spite of his condition.

A few moments later, I felt him gradually dozing off again with his head over my right shoulder. His right arm was draped over my chest, keeping our bodies close together. I kissed his forehead lightly as I felt myself drifting off again. But before I surrendered completely to the world of dreams, I had a childish wish that time stood still so that I won't have the constant feeling like we were having a countdown of his remaining days.

Oh, I just wanted to be near him and feel him… I needed him, and I loved him so terribly.

* * *

The days passed quickly and I watched him die slowly. The despair I felt was becoming more and more intense as his body slowly drained its remaining life to surrender in the darkness of physical death. His family never left the hospital to look for him, and our friends came by more often to give him hope; although, they certainly knew that nothing would ever change what was about to happen.

I felt so selfish sometimes whenever I see him in excruciating pain. I knew he already wanted to give up, and I knew he already wanted his pain to end so badly; however, I never stopped telling him not to leave me.

His body got weaker and weaker, and the throbbing pain on different parts of his body as well as the complications of his illness became too much for him to handle. The doctors needed to increase the dosage of his medicines to make him feel better; however, the effects of those drugs on his body were also unbearable as it made him delirious, while the treatment that was supposed to make his life longer seemed to kill him so slowly instead.

This tragedy had already taken so much from him, whilst it agonizingly took its time to take him away from me.

And one night, all my fears came to reality at last. His body gradually resigned from its own hell as he held my hand close to his chest; close to his heart. It was hard but I did what I should have done not so long ago, I did what was best for him.

I had told him to let go if he couldn't stand it anymore; I had told him to surrender as it pained me too much already to see him suffering because of my selfishness.

Those words broke my whole being as his hands slowly loosened its grasp to mine. He was merely waiting for my permission to finally give up on his torturous struggle to live.

My silent tears streamed down my face. For a moment, I thought I had died along with him. I closed my eyes as I kissed his forehead softly and then his lips, my hand never loosened its hold to his.

"I love you… Kaede," I whispered as more tears escaped my eyes. I was torn apart, and yes, I had died indeed.

* * *

I closed my eyes as I breathed the cold air. It had been almost a year since he left, but the never ending loneliness seemed to haunt me every now and then. I longed for his smile, his touch, his kiss, his love, and every single day made me overwhelmed with complete emptiness and unspeakable misery.

I didn't know how long I had been looking at his name on the tombstone when I heard distinct footsteps behind me. My face was already stained with dried tears; I was sure that I looked like shit as I had my eyes bloodshot again from crying.

"Akira," A voice finally called me. I didn't have to turn around to see who it was. I certainly knew who the owner of that voice was. It was Sakuragi Hanamichi.

"I knew you'd be here," He said softly as he stepped beside me. I watched him silently as he knelt to put the flowers on Kaede's grave. His red hair moved as the mellow cold breeze caressed us sweetly. He gently closed his eyes as he offered a prayer; his face didn't wear its usual bravado but of solemnity and longing; his mouth whispered words I couldn't hear.

"Sorry if I wasn't able to visit you lately, Kitsune. College life isn't easy you know," he finally said after a moment of silence. He talked so innocently just like Kaede described him to me. They were rivals right from the very start they met each other, and it came as a shock to everyone when they became best friends after a while. Yet, we never really had the chance to meet and talk regularly as he spent most of his time in the rehabilitation center due to his back injury while I had become busy with my studies in the university. Thus, I only knew him based on Kaede's stories.

"But don't worry, as soon as I finished dealing with my not so thoughtful and merciless professors I'll visit you more often," he continued smiling.

"Still hard-headed you are, Hanamichi-kun. Kaede wouldn't like that. Make him proud of you up there," I interjected on his apparently one-sided conversation.

"Well of course! I'm a tensai!" he immediately declared as he stood up, his cheerful smile bathed the lonely atmosphere around us. At that very instant, I guessed I had began to understand why Kaede said he was very special; he's got something that would make you see things differently.

I smirked at his conceitedness and nodded slightly. His expression softened gradually and looked at me in a warming way. His brown orbs seemed to speak a thousand words beneath its silent stare. I knew right then what was on his mind; I knew right then what were the things he wanted to tell me, and I finally understood what destiny have for me.

I gazed at the blue sky above us for a long moment, watching the soft white clouds as it moved in its own grace. We stayed silent for a while, relishing the serenity of the place that appeared to take away our troubled emotions with the wind.

I then felt his hand on my shoulder, and I nodded slightly. A smile graced my lips as I watched his retreating back; though, it wasn't the cheerful and lively smile I used to wear that made everyone seem to get speechless, but it was a smile so much different from the one carrying my mourning spirit and despair. He would always be with me, and I wished that I would remember the feeling of being alive again soon.

_Owari_


End file.
